At the banquet
Why do I sit
In a corner
Starving
Refusing to feast?
You know how sometimes you know that there's something out there you should be doing - not just because it's good for you, but because it will make you feel really good, and it will be really fun, and you'll feel so good about yourself when you do it? And then you don't do it? Almost as if to spite yourself? Or is it just me?
There are two habits I've managed to make more or less constant in my life at the moment: oil pulling and flossing. (Yes, I admit it, I wasn't always so constant with the flossing.) These habits make me feel better. My mouth feels clean and fresh. My teeth are happy. All is good.
There are many more habits I have tried to adopt: journaling, meditation, self-Reiki, yoga, writing every day, etc. I have not been so successful with these things. Even though they make me feel good. Even though I know that my life would be better, I would have more energy, I would feel better about myself, etc., etc., etc., if only I did them. So why, when I have all of these dishes (if you will) to choose from, do I choose to starve instead?
That's a question that has plagued me for years.
It's like, as soon as you tell me something is good for me, my inner five-year-old, we'll call her Little Me, crosses her arms and sticks out her lower lip and refuses to play. Even when the playing is fun. I mean, the old habits - sitting on the couch, reading, watching television, complaining about not feeling better - are not serving me in any way. Or are they? They must be, really, for me to continue with them. Right? The whole thing is just completely counterintuitive. It makes me want to throw up my hands in disgust. Of course, if it were someone else who was telling me this, I would advise her to be gentle with herself. To see if she can tune in and find out what she does get from the old habits. And maybe make a deal to try one new thing this week. Or not. Maybe just notice. You know? But since it's me, I'm just angry with myself. Which makes Little Me pout all the harder. See? Counterintuitive.
I started the oil pulling again about two months ago because I had a strong intuition that it was the right thing for me to do. So strong that it overrode Little Me and her pouting. When my body shouts, I listen. When it murmurs, I think "I should..." Then I turn on the T.V. Maybe it's time I take my own advice. Start noticing.
There is a lot out there to feast on. No need to starve...
